I am going through a period of healing. And although this is a phsycial healing in many respects, this is also a period of emotional healing which goes along it as many of us know.
My physical manifestations of illness at the moment are routed in stress, realigning my feminine and healing old angers. Some of this is this life, some I had truly addressed as the physical illness manifested, and the rest I am going over with a fine tooth comb now!
One of those old angers was heartbreak. I cheekily pulled a few cards for myself today. Not for a full reading, but just to fill the gaps. (I'm not a great believer in doing too many readings for yourself - it's hard to get perspective on your own situations, and you shouldn't be able to know EVERYTHING about your future, so it does bite you in the bum if you push it). I pulled the 3 of Swords. There was the heartbreak I needed to heal. The old thing of relationships. And although I had moved on, I could say that there was one old major relationship that still niggles me. I have struggled to look back at that relationship with love, although I had taken much from it.
Ok, so I thought, how am I going to truly heal from this. There was much not said at the time; a very bizarre end to a relationship of over 8 years, and I feel this was much of why I had struggled to draw a final conclusion on it. Also I was young and found out much afterward. And so I wasn't able to say what I would have done now, with extra information and standing in my own power of adulthood. I am also stubborn and hold onto things that really hurt me; it takes a lot to offend me, and it's generally something of a deep moral nature that gets to me. And this was one of those situations. Where the sword in my heart was so deep, how long would it truly take me to remove it?
The answer it would seem is 13 years later!!! (wow that puts it in some perspective!)
And so the obvious way, and something that I recommend to everyone, is to write a letter. I tuned in and asked for help, writing intuitively and with the intention that this would be a healing experience. To leave me whole.
And what I found as I wrote was that I initially found me introducing myself as another person. The anger that was still desperately clinging on by a finger nail, didn't have the grip and I was very easily able to step back from it and work my way through the logic of that anger; some 13 years later.
And I had very much done that typical thing previously, that all those meme's and quotes encourage, which is to say 'in spite of you' I am still x, y or z. Or 'because of the pain you inflicted on me' I learned a, b & c. But this was now different.
I very much felt Mother Mary with her loving strength and Sekhmet behind me, 'I got your back' but also cutting ties.
I was coming at this from a space of love. And so taking the lessons in pain and in anger is only half the job. It leaves that relationship in a space of pain and anger. I now needed to leave it in a space of love.
And so, intuitively I found myself writing about the overarching theme of a negative lesson, but very much turned it into a space of remembering the good times. The good things I had from that relationship.
And as I wrote I found myself retrieving parts of myself that I had left behind in that relationship; parts that I desperately need now. Please read below as I will give you that letter. A vulnerable act that part of me fears; and so I know I must do it.
I realised as I wrote that in blocking the whole relationship I was blocking parts of myself rooted in that relationship. I was rejecting the whole. I had to leave that relationship in a place of love, for me to accept the whole of the relationship, as it truly was, without the distortions that pain and anger give it. In doing that I will be allowing myself to be whole once more.
I will be burning the letter when the night sky is dark; just before the New Moon Crescent. For me this a time of ends and new beginnings. And asking for the Moons empowerment when I do it and in doing so asking her to send that love to his higher self.
And I would encourage you all to write a letter of the same for every relationship and friendship which you do not look back on with total love. Not a feeling of 'I'm over it' but a feeling of love for the good times; after all there was a reason why you became friends or lovers right?
And then burn it, tear it into a million pieces and throw to the sea, or the wind, tie it to a helium balloon and let it go. Ask the Moon, God, Jesus, the Angels or who ever you wish to empower and hold your space while you do it.
For me this is a very powerful tool in truly 'moving on' and totally healing past relationships.
"I write this with hindsight. I write this with retrospect. I write this as a woman you have never known and never will.
Part of me wants to say 'F**k You'. A small part. But why? Why? It wasn't you that hung around while you disrespected me by not wanting me physically, by not committing to me, knowing that the relationship was rancid.
It was me.
So am I going to tell me to 'F**k me?'. No.
As I love myself for the person I have become. How that relationship with you allowed me to experience feeling rejected and feeling low, so that I learned that's not how I wanted to feel. It enabled me to step into my full power.
And make conscious decisions about relationships which go beyond love.
You were the first lesson of many. Where I started to become aware of what I wanted and made changes in my life to enable those simple things. For me. For myself and my Soul.
And God knows I am far from perfect; Temper, stubbornness, grudges.
But we tended to accept eachother for our flaws didn't we? I need to remember I can do that.
And you made me laugh. You made me laugh till I cried and laughed like Muttley. That's a part of me I miss and that I retrieve now.
And you got me to see the benefits and drawbacks of acting on impulse, acting from Ego and from a space of pure joy. Acting without thinking. Just Being.
I retrieve that part of myself. I need to Be now.
I also thank you for the practice at musing, and talking and pondering.
I still have that with me and I thank you for the times I evolved with you by doing that. That was and is needed by me. It runs through me.
I thank you and love and embrace our relationship for what it truly was. Now stood here in the light.
I let you go now with love and without Ego.
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